Tanzanian Association Oslo

Ugandans are more fertile!

Adam Lusekelo
Dar es salaam

I HEAR Ugandans are the most fertile East Africans. They lead in reproducing themselves, followed by Kenyans and Tanzania comes a lowly third.

How do they do it and what do they think? Raising kids these days is a nightmare. You cannot manufacture kids just like that! While we bay boomers were being consulted to come and be born on planet earth, we were told to be fussy with food.

We were the Cow and Gate babies. So when your mama tried to make you eat this or that we could afford turn the other way and say no to this mixture of food or that.

Not today. Babies born today attend a 21st century consultation before they are born. ’’Look, you guys, you are going to be born in Africa, East Africa. So take your food seriously. There is no saying no in chow. Eat everything your mama offers you. There is famine there, malaria, and even Ebola. So no nonsense when it comes to food. Okay?’’ the pre-born baby consultant will tell the little buggers.

Then they come to earth amidst much hoopla amongst the parents. ’A girl!’ or ’a boy!’. Fine. But that is going to cost you much of your pocket.

Try suckling the baby and it suckles its mother almost into de-hydration. Okay you say, if a baby tries to vacuum clean its mother’s chest then you have to try supplementary diets. Try porridge and baby responds with gusto.

Okay. Try adding an egg or two to the uji. Baby will be there eating like a hungry trooper. Try some rice porridge and the little bugger will be crying for more.

Which forces the family to have a budget session. You tell your lady that if the baby continues eating like that, then it’s going to starve its parents to death!

Now you can’t tell baby to wait for a few days because your cheque comes out in a few days. The only trouble is that baby does not understand you. It wants chow there and then. Baby only understands its tummy. It wants it filled as quickly as possible, before it takes a snooze and continue with the business of growing up. A bit scary!

Which is why I can’t understand those Ugandans for being the most fertile guys in East Africa. I am leaving for Kampala soon. I will make it a point not to even look at Ugandan chicks!

You could simply look at some lady in Kampala and three months later she flies into Dar: ’’I am pregnant’’ she crows.

’’Oh, congrats! Who is the father?’’

Bloody you. You thug! You are responsible for this pregnancy!’’

’’Me? There must be a mistake. I only met you once and we had coffee together.’’

’’Yes! And while we were having coffee you looked at me in the eye and things happened’’

Me? Where did it say that looking at Ugandan chicks and they immediately get pregnant?

’’Didn’t you read that report that Ugandans are the most fertile in East Africa?’’

I´m going to Kampala, but I am going to keep my eyes downcast! You might end up manufacturing another family there.

mbwene2@yahoo.com

From This Day.