Tanzanian Association Oslo

Wives! Why do

we even marry

them?

by Chinyeke Tembo, Blantyre, Malawi.

Wives! One wonders why we even marry them at all. They are an endangered species of animals.

She will buy you two neckties on your birthday and when you wear one, she gets angry: "What’s wrong with the other one!?"

Wives have problems with us getting home late, and at the same time complain when we come back early. If we are sober, they claim we were at our girlfriends’.

Should we take cold ones, they imagine we have lots of money.Arrive home earlier than them; they reckon we want to misbehave with the house girls.

So you understand that these creatures we call our wives are a difficult lot.One of them is my own.

I was home in good time the other day, and sat by the computer to do some work. Then my cell phone rang.

With the volume from our home theatre, I decided to go outside to get this business call. I was on it for about 15 minutes.

"So you have started taking your calls outside the house?" she fumed as I went back in.

"What do you mean?" I asked, wondering what the problem was.

"Since when have you started rushing outside to answer a phone call?"

"Madam, there is loud music in here," I explained.

"It must have been Faith you were talking to?"

"Who is Faith?"

"When I checked your cell phone one day, I saw her name in it while you took your bath."

I insisted; "Now, listen. This call was from someone I am working with on a project. I know no Faith."

She replied: "If it was not a woman, you should not have gone outside the house to answer the phone. All the time you get calls, you simply reduce the volume, or switch off the music system. You don’t go outside."

Then she started complaining about how my life had begun to change of late and that generally I was becoming negligent as a husband.

"Where is all this talk coming from?" I inquired.

"From your Faiths, your Thandis, your Roses, your Priscillas and all of them."

I laughed: "Can all those be my girl friends, assuming I have any, anyway?"

She got angry: "It is not a laughing matter, silly!"

The atmosphere changed all of a sudden, and she stopped talking to me. It was clear that she was incensed and I didn’t want to squabble over an offence I had not committed.

Supper was taken in silence.

If she chose not to converse with me, well, who am I to start negotiating for her voice?

Our little daughter sensed there was a conflict between her parents. She was very scared, I could see.

My wife had become a sudden enemy. She was the first to go to bed while I stayed back to watch a late movie.

When I got to the bedroom, my ‘enemy’ was curled up at the very far end of our divan, signifying to me that I must not even attempt to move any closer to her.

I also noted that she wore her nightdress, and through it, I saw she had her odds and ends on. That was enough message from my enemy that we were not even going to perform husband and wife, as we usually did.

Equally, I rolled myself far from the opponent and slept peacefully.

This starvation state of affairs went on for five nights.

But on the sixth, hours into my sleep, - and I didn’t know what time it was - I woke up when my enemy’s hands started playing with my beard.

She must be dreaming, this is not deliberate, I thought to myself. So I let her, wondering whether this was as a result of her dreams.

Thereafter, my enemy’s hand fell on my chest, rubbing it.

My enemy was punishing me now. I still I could not tell whether she was simply engrossed in her trance, or she knew what she was doing.

So I said to myself, why don’t I do the same? Pretend I am sleeping and dreaming and rub her ears.

As I did that, with a little scare, my enemy held my hand; the tinkle was unbearable, maybe.

Had she allowed me!? Question marks were ringing in my head.

I am acting in my dream, as far as I am concerned. But does a person who is dreaming start to remove someone’s odds and ends? She will fight me if I dared start to pull them out, I feared.

It occurred to me, in the process that she already had them off!

Now I knew the enemy wanted battle. So I confidently acted husband as usual.

And the enemy responded.

Thereafter we both withdrew and went back to our distant enemy positions.

Early morning, I thought the fight had ended, what with events of the night.

That was my mistake.

"Good morning," I greeted her, as I rose and switched on my transistor radio, to listen to the BBC World Six O’clock News.

No reply.

"I said Good Morning to you," I repeated to her.

No reply.

Wives!? I thought our relationship was back to normal.

That morning she took her bath earlier than I did, and after I had finished mine, I discovered she had already gone to her office.

Around lunch hour, I received an SMS from the enemy.

It read: "What did you say to me this morning, darling? I didn’t hear you properly."

I texted back: "I said Good Morning to you."

She replied: "Ndimakukonda, my love. But usiye zauchitsilu."I sent another text, teasing: "Thank you for last night."

An answer to that SMS came quickly: "What belongs to me belongs to me. Tell your Faiths, Thandis, Roses and Juliets. Changa ndi changa."

That evening, we had the best dinner.

The enemy sat at the far end of the table, and next to me was our daughter Boogie. She broke the news, in the midst of our meal: "Dad, mummy says she loves you," said Boogie, smiling at her mother.

I smiled back: "I know, Boogie. I know."

"Do you love mummy, dad? I want to hear you say you love her. Please kiss mummy now."

Now, I knew the enemy had coached our daughter.

The shy enemy told our daughter, as we dined to my victory:

"Shut up, Boogie. Just eat your food quietly."

She did not know she had just saved me from the agony of telling her that I love her. And the agony of kissing her under duress.

Not many husbands have that nerve.